I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
