Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
