I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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