Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
