I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
