god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
