I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
