i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
