I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
