I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
