I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
