plz talk dirty to me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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