genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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