I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
