Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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