the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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