why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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