Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
