Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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