Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
