John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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