im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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