I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
