Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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