So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
