Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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