it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
