you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize