Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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