so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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