my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
