I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
