she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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