Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
