I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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