I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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