dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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