So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
