He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
