Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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