The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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