i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
