Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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