Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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