fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
