Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
