I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize