I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
