you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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