T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
