someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize