Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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