i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
