oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
