Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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