Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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