if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
