Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
