Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
