It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
