How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
