I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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