I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
