I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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