Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
