sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
