My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize