1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
