he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
